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I need to be realistic and really face the facts about life.
I created this blog to reflect on my journey as a growing photographer but throughout my whole life I have always been a perfectionist. You get different types, some that are never perfect with the final result and some who want something to be perfect straight away and set extremely high standards on oneself that they are disappointed when things don't turn out the way they want or if they don't turn out 'perfect' quick enough. Maybe that is just called impatience. I strive so hard for my work and I know in a ideal world that I wouldn't have too because it would just be so easy. I sometimes wish life was like that though.
Now in Semester 2 at University, the experimenting and developing skills has really set foot and I am struggling with this. I hate seeing myself fail and if I do, it is not failure to a person, I feel a failure to myself and probably punish myself too much for it. Todays event has happened to me once before when I processed my film and it came out clear, which meant that I took no exposures at all. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking that is when it is for a project and you have friends involved who are looking forward to seeing what you have taken? Then you have to start from square one and that feels like a waste of time. Most days I am an optimist and I never say that things are waste of time and it is all about learning and I guess I am being ironic.
I have been very busy at University this week with the first session in the studio and working in groups to build up a set and work with the lights. I found this extremely overwhelming and wondering how on earth I will achieve this and also the confidence of learning how to direct people. For someone who likes to be in the drivers seat and in control, I find communicating someone to pose in a certain way difficult. I just need to remember that I am only in my first year at University and I am still being introduced to techniques and that they probably will seem hard and scary to begin with. As an adult now, I am brushing aside my idealist thoughts and I think rather than struggling with techniques, I am struggling with the fact that reality is not all airy fairy like it has been in my head for nineteen years. I am growing up and I am in the real world. It's time I truly understand this if I want to achieve and be prepared for any set backs and blocks that get in my way. It's time I pick myself up and get on with my life. Most importantly; my photography.
I know exactly what you mean when you talk about wanting to get things perfect first time; we're currently working on some really confusing stuff and it's so frustrating not being able to do it! Your determination to get things right is definitely a good quality though; it means you won't give up, and that's important, because every mistake you make is one you're less likely to make again. Adjusting to the real world is difficult and we're not always going to get it right first time, but so far I think you're doing really well. I love your photos... you know how I feel about art but I'd actually go and look at your stuff in a gallery (and no I'm not just saying that because you're my friend). To me it seems like you have a gift for photography so don't ever give up on it, okay?
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Aww you are such a sweetie. That comment has just brightened my day :)
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